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Can I Speak To A Mortgage Calculator?

Everyone in my family, and everyone in the village in fact (which is about 150 people altogether if Maud the butcher made it through last night), knows that I’m not the sharpest pencil in the box when it comes to numbers and especially if when it comes to money.  I was the kind of kid who used to leave money under my pillow for the tooth fairy and apparently I once asked the fish and chip shop man to please take some of chips back as he’d given me too many for my money (I really thought you paid per chip and even I could see there were more than ten pence worth of chips in my packet). Uncle Harry used to find it very amusing to say (loudly and repeatedly) “Pigs don’t fly, I’m not Irish, and two and two don’t equal five, unless you ask Annie over there of course”. He would usually guffaw unrestrainedly at his own wit at this point. So by the time I was old enough to move down the road (you couldn’t go much further without actually leaving town and no one did that) word had got around and I was generally regarded as the village idiot when it came to matters financial. I went along with the whole half-wit thing as it seemed cruel to deprive everyone of so much fun at my expense but it could get a bit tiring.  When I started looking for a house (not that there was much looking involved – I stood at the end of High Street every morning until the morning a hearse pulled up outside Agnes Jones’s house and I was glad that she had a view of the park) there was lot of joking about how I’d be liable to give away all my savings for a shack, but I knew I’d strike a fair deal. After Agnes’s funeral My Aunt Maud took me aside and said she was there to help me in any way she could and did I rightly know what I was doing? I assured that I was not completely feather headed and would be fine, but she suggested that I consult a mortgage calculator anyway.

I must say I was a little puzzled as to why I would need the services of a mortgage calculator when I had a calculator myself, but after an hour with my basic calculator trying to figure out my mortgage repayments I decided to swallow my pride and walked into town (which took exactly 40 seconds) and knocked on the door of the bank (it was a very small bank in Mr Smith’s back office). Mr Smith opened the door and smiled up at me fondly (he’d shrunk to no more than 4 foot 5 by the age of 65) and asked how he could help me. I told him that I needed to speak to a mortgage calculator and I watched his bristly whiskers turn up at the corners of his mouth and the tears well up in his eyes until he spat out chuckling “you want to speak to a mortgage calculator?”.  I waited for him to stop clutching his sides and his laughter to abate and calmly repeated my purpose explaining that I understood that a mortgage calculator could help figure out exactly what my house payments would be.

When at last he told me that a mortgage calculator wasn’t a person at all but a facility on the Internet where you typed in all your information (cost of properly, interest rate etc) and the mortgage calculator automatically worked out your payments for you I felt rather daft but at least I understood why Mr Smith was laughing so very much. And I knew it wouldn’t take him long to share this story with the rest of the village too.

“Sweet Annie” by Emilia Dahlin

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